


If We Could Just Exist Here

by CardiganVixen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Last Jedi
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Sex, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Slow Burn, So I made this a whole story now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-15 05:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13024329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CardiganVixen/pseuds/CardiganVixen
Summary: *THIS FIC IS GETTING FINISHED, CURRENTLY ON HIATUS***spoilers**I can't stop thinking about Reylo. I am very excited/scared/ohboi for the future of this couple. I'd like to think they are end game, but who knows, I am trying to be cautiously optimistic so my heart doesn’t get crushed.This started off as a fever dream one shot of what would happen after Kylo had been bested by Luke and rejected by Rey so in a moment of desperation and sadness he reached out to Rey and kissed her. Now I see a full story. This will be written in canon about potential things that could happen in Episode 9.There will be angst, there will be a happy ending because I can’t bear to have anything else for these characters that I love so much. In our world Kylo Ren would not get a happy ending, but Star Wars is not our world. It is fantasy. And in fantasy actions are big and emotions are high. Murderers and despots get redeemed and loved by good people.Later there will be more mature content.Mood board I made for this fic.





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo Ren was alone. 

The Rebel base had been abandoned, he walked in silence back to his transport and gave a short command to the pilot to head back to the Star Destroyer orbiting the First Order base, now on a very wet planet that had an abundant source of ore and food for Snoke’s forces. Well…his forces now he supposed. 

He had gone straight to his room and paced relentlessly. Hux had been on him of course, ever the opportunist, trying to glean what his next steps were for The First Order. He had made impulsive mistakes on this last campaign but he was no fool to trust Hux. The man would shoot him in his sleep if he could. 

Besides, he could think of nothing but Luke. His mother. His father. Rey. 

Rey. 

The look she had given him, the disappointment, the rejection. How dare she? How could she throw away the opportunity to rule side by side with him, to bring a new order to the galaxy? 

How could she ignore his plea? 

Kylo Ren was alone. He felt it like a sharp pain in his gut. 

Had she shut him out completely? It would be in the best interest for her rebel friends, her ridiculous cause. ‘Does she even know what she is fighting for?’ He thought to himself, squeezing his fists together so tightly his knuckles hurt. 

He knew he shouldn’t do it. Knew he shouldn’t want to. Figured he probably couldn’t. But he found himself…probing… sending tendrils of his thoughts out in to space, the unending black. He tried to hear what she hearing, feel what she was feeling. There was no way it would work anyway, he assured himself, the connection between them had been fostered by a powerful Master of the Force and with his death, it had been severed, no doubt. 

“Rey…” he whispered. 

No answer. He tried again and again, each attempt causing his cheeks to burn with anger and shame. Snoke had been right. He was pathetic. But he was so alone. 

“Rey…please…” 

“How dare you.” Kylo jumped. Her voice rang out clear as a bell. He couldn't see her, not at first, he stopped pacing and turned. There she was. Her face contorted with rage. 

“I don’t know how this is happening, but I’m going to find a way to shut you out,” said Rey. Like before he could only see her, not her surroundings, but her face was brightly lit. On a ship, transport of some kind, he thought. 

“Rey. You can hear me?” He said, trying not to sound like his heart was beating faster upon hearing her voice. 

“Not for long. Goodbye Kylo Ren.” Rey said, the connection began to fade as she struggled to push him out. 

“No, wait, stop! Please…” Kylo said. 

“I have nothing to say to you. You made your choice. You were going to kill me and my friends. You were going to kill your own mother. I asked you, begged you to come with me. Instead you saw that throne and it was all you could think about. There’s no room in your life for anything else but your ambition and rage.” Rey felt righteous anger flow through her with every word. Kylo Ren was her enemy now. Ben Solo was out of the picture. 

“I just want to make a new future. A better future. Without the prison of the past. A world where order stops the chaos and pain of the galaxy.” Kylo was trying to sound resolute, but he knew he sounded desperate. Desperate to make her understand. Desperate for her to come back. 

“Order without freedom is just a form of enslavement. Who are you to think that your vision of the galaxy is more worthy than any other? How will crushing everyone under your boot stop pain?” Rey said. Her eyes were wide, glassy, like she was holding back tears. “How could I want someo- I mean want anything to do with that?” 

“We both know I'm a monster.” Kylo spat, his words full of self-loathing. He looked at her, held her gaze where before he had avoided eye contact. He was waiting for her to support his statement, to add a few of her own insults. 

“I didn't want to believe that Ben. Maybe I do now.” Rey said, her voice low and sad. He looked at her stricken. When she said his name, his old name, he hated how much he liked hearing it. A pregnant pause made the room heavy with unspoken thoughts. 

Kylo reached out, taking a few steps forward and removing his gloves. He raised his upturned palms slightly. He didn't really know what he expected. Rey looked at him, wary, and stepped back forgetting that she was in a small cabin on the Falcon that basically had room for a roll out bed and little else. She bumped against the wall and found she had nowhere else to go. She could see that Kylo sensed that she had hit an obstacle and he took another step forward. 

“Rey. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I just know that when you turned away from me…” he stopped, afraid to speak. 

“Say it.” Rey whispered. 

“I never felt so alone, even after a life of watching my family fear me, fear my power.” 

“You’ve only got yourself to blame.” Rey snapped. 

Kylo stopped mere inches from her. Rey’s breath quickened. 

“I don’t want you to fear me Rey,” Kylo said softly.

“Then don’t kill my friends.” 

“I can’t keep myself from thinking about you.” 

“Try harder.” 

“I wish…I wish I could be Ben. Just for you.” Kylo‘s fingertips brushed against Rey’s. She gasped, they had only tried this once before, it had been shocking then, now it was something more. Dangerous thoughts came unbidden. She felt a mixture of guilt and fiery curiosity. 

Rey looked up at him, he looked down at her. Slowly he moved in, his hand covering more of hers. 

“Could we pretend?” He murmured, moving closer, his full lips almost touching hers. “Just for a moment?” Rey stared at his mouth. He bowed his head down, he could feel the heat of her breath as she panted. 

“What are you doing?” Rey whispered in a tight voice. 

“I don’t know,” Kylo said honestly, “Do you want me to stop?” His lips brushed hers ever so slightly and Rey inhaled sharply. 

“No.” Rey moved forward and their mouths connected, the sensation just as powerful as if they had been in the same room, the same system. Rey felt the kiss from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. A shudder ran up and down her spine. Immediately her body yearned for more and she leaned in to Ben, pressing more of herself into him. 

Ben could only see stars. In this moment, he couldn't recall wanting anything more than to just keep touching Rey. When she pressed closer to him he almost lost his mind. The sensations were not just where they were touching but in between them and all around. He felt the Force. She felt it too. 

‘If we could just exist here,’ Rey thought, one of the plethora of thoughts that was running through her brain. ‘If there was nothing else, no one else. I would never leave this moment.’

Ben could almost tune out Kylo Ren’s constant demands. His relentless ambition and dogged pursuit of power didn't matter here. All that mattered were his hands on Rey’s waist, pulling her in, lifting her slightly off her feet as he deepened the kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled it a bit in the back, he moaned softly. 

As if in sync, reality sunk in to them both and they jumped apart, seared by each other’s warmth. 

Rey swallowed hard, trying to catch her breath. She watched as Ben Solo’s eyes drained of warmth and desire and became cold and enraged. She watched him become Kylo Ren. 

“You made your choice. Stay away from me.” She growled. 

“If only you had taken time to understand the magnitude of what I offered you. The Rebel scum cannot give you a fraction of power. I can.” Kylo said in a bored tone, composing himself. He ran his hands through his hair to smooth it down. 

“They have already given me something you cannot. They chose me. They chose the light.” Rey pushed all her energy into severing the link between them. Before she cut him off, she looked Kylo Ren squarely in the eye. 

“Maybe Ben Solo can make that choice someday.” 

And she was gone. 

Kylo could still feel the imprint of her lips on his. He felt even more enraged at his weakness than before. The emotions threatened to choke him. He went to grab his saber to hack and slash his way across the room, but could only bring himself to fall back in to the chair that was placed by his Spartan desk and try to swallow past the lump in his throat. He looked to where Rey had just stood. 

Kylo Ren was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please check out Chapter 2. :)


	2. Insomnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey can’t sleep. Loneliness causes connections. Force time. 
> 
> CW: Self harm

Rey couldn’t sleep. 

Weeks of flying from one Outer Rim planet to another on the Falcon with a dozen rebels, droids, an increasingly agitated Chewie and a porg that liked to sleep in her shoes had finally come to an end. They found sanctuary on Bantum. Rey liked it because unlike Jakku it wasn’t a sea of endless desert. Anywhere she could see green was good enough for her. The added benefit that she could sleep in an actual bed instead of a rollout in some tiny corner of the cramped Falcon was also enough for her to beg General Organa for at least a month’s stay. 

She fell on the inn bed with an audible groan of pleasure. She predicted she would be asleep for a day. 

Hours later, she stared up at the skylight, watching the light descend across the sky in to twilight. She hadn’t thought to ask how long night lasted here. 

‘What would Master Luke do?’ she thought. She took deep breaths and tried to meditate, but to no avail. When she closed her eyes, she felt a pounding in her temple, it only seemed to increase with every moment her eyes stayed closed. Rey huffed and rolled over on her stomach to see if it would help. It did not. 

With an exasperated sound, Rey popped up, sitting at the head of the bed, hugging her knees to her chest. 

“Go to sleep,” she whispered to herself, closing her eyes once again and rocking back and forth to distract her from the pounding. “Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep-“ 

“I can’t,” a deep voice replied. Startled, she uttered a small cry and leapt up on the mattress. Kylo stood before her. He was shirtless, wearing black silk pants, the bandage around his middle had been removed so she could see even more of him now than she had before. She could see more of his scars. His eyes looked tired and puffy. He had smudged dark circles and his skin looked sallow. She also noticed a litany of bruises up and down each arm. 

This was the first time she had seen him since Crait. Since Luke. Since the kiss. She stared at him, self conscious that she would have to jump down from the bed. 

Kylo tamped down the heady rush of feelings that came when he looked at Rey. She was flushed, her lips a vibrant pink, her hair loose. He also noticed that she was taller than him. Annoyed he asked: 

“Are you on some steps?” 

“No,” she said, confused, then remembered he couldn’t see where she was or what was around her. “I mean, yes.” She used that opportunity to jump down from the bed wincing as the pain in her head jostled. She was not ready to tell him she was in a bedroom, let alone a bed, even though she could see his own, covered in black sheets that were piled in a heap at the edge. Unable to control herself, she blushed, and then got angry. 

“I don’t want to see you.” 

“I didn’t think so.“ he said, his tone cynically amused. 

“What did you think would happen? After all you have done. After you betrayed me? Manipulated me?” 

Kissed me. But that she would not say aloud. The energy emanating from him was manic. 

Kylo made an agitated movement forward, Rey backed up quickly.

“Keeping your distance this time?” Kylo said with a mocking tone. He clenched his jaw to stop the pang of desire that came over him to close the gap between them and take her in his arms again. The embarrassment at his weakness after Crait had tormented him as much as her rejection. 

“Indefinitely.” Rey said. 

Kylo pursed his lips and grabbed a black robe to cover his chest. Rey didn’t want to admit it, but somehow this made him look even more appealing. 

He watched her but said nothing. He made no attempt to shut her out, he just looked at her, his intense stare making the silence heavy and uncomfortable. Kylo willed himself to turn away, but found all he could do was stare. A pit formed in his stomach, gnawing and deep. 

“Is being Supreme Leader everything you hoped it would be?” Rey said, her voice dripping with disdain, her headache making her short tempered. She would rather be angry than cry in front of him anyway. Seeing him after all these weeks was taking its toll. 

Kylo flinched, but still said nothing. The silence built up again. He wouldn’t look away, his body tense with suppressed movement. 

“Why can’t you sleep?” She blurted out, unable to handle the uncomfortable silence any longer. 

“Why can’t you? New town?” He tilted his head, trying to focus to see a better picture. After all where ever Rey was, the rebels followed. As per usual, he saw nothing. Nothing but her. 

“Why are you covered in bruises?” She asked, trying to steer the subject away from her whereabouts, “I wouldn’t think Supreme Leader would do his own dirty work. Isn’t that what your jack-booted thugs are for?” 

“I am not Snoke. I don’t hide in throne rooms.” Kylo said, though his face grew more drawn after he said it.

‘He’s lying,’ she thought, surprised, lying about where those bruises came from. She could just sense it. 

She watched him, tried to read the micro-expressions that passed through his face and found herself looking down his lithe figure. A memory of the feel of his thigh under her hands and his back to hers in combat came rushing back. She had lain awake nights remembering the connection they had shared during that fight. It flooded her with more powerful emotions than even his kiss, for there had been more there than just the two of them present, the Force had been flowing between them.

“It’s only a matter of time for you and your traitorous friends,” he said, sounding petulant and aggravated due to the surge of emotion that had come when she raked him with her gaze. 

She grew angry. What was this damn Force thing playing at if this is who she would share such a strong connection with? 

“Isn’t there a galaxy you have to get back to destroying?” Rey sneered. “We’re done here.

Kylo‘s lip curled. “Indeed.” This time it was him who turned away, and she heard the familiar whoosh of air that signaled he was gone. 

She wanted to hate him. Why didn’t she? She growled, frustrated and upset at herself. Hate and fear and all that led to the Dark Side of course. Still wasn’t she meant to kill him? Wouldn’t that require a sterner feeling than the concern, pity, and disappointment she felt every time she looked at him? And something else…yearning. So strong it stole her breath. She never felt this way before. Jakku had been a literal and figurative desert of experience, her only thoughts to make it through each day and wait for the family she was so sure had been coming for her.   
She had looked at Finn appreciatively, his warrior’s body and earnest face a nice change from all the gangsters and strange creatures that collected in Nima outpost. 

But this, whatever it was, was so far removed from her previous experience. Even in the Force bond, she felt electric around him. Her hands twitched, her pulse quickened. And the kiss had done nothing to help matters. She had been reading the Jedi texts she had borrowed from Ach-To, they all encouraged stillness of mind and strength, inner balance, reserve. She felt none of those things. In fact, the only times she had felt clarity since she showed up on Ach-To was when she had touched Ben’s…Kylo’s hand after her venture into the sea cave. Then again when they had fought together in Snoke’s throne room.   
That was over though. It had to be. He had made his choice, and it hadn’t been her. She had made hers as well, knowing she couldn’t walk away from everything she believed in, not even for the one person who had ever truly seen her, a person who was willing to reach across the gulf and tell her she wasn’t alone. 

She lay back on the bed, her body heavy with tired. Her headache had faded to a dull throb. She looked up at the night sky and couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks, leaving cool wet trails. 

Kylo Ren punched his wall, making a decent dent in the paneling. He slammed his fists against his arms, trying to shut down the images that tormented him. He paced, opening and clenching his fists. All he could see was the girl. All he could think of was Rey. He could remember everything, the smell of her, the feel of her skin. When he thought of her, everything else fell away until he remembered the reasons why she wasn’t at his side now. His father. Luke. His mother. Snoke. Himself. 

For the first time he had no one trying to manipulate him, no one trying to push him between one path or another. He wanted to relish in the freedom. It was a relief to not have Snoke constantly writhing around in his mind. 

But he knew the truth. The victory was hollow. All because of her. He sat on the edge of his bed and gripped his head, fingers raking through his hair. 

“Supreme Leader…” a nervous voice broke through on his communicator. 

“What.” He snarled. 

“We are arriving sir.” 

Kylo jumped up and began to dress. Finally. 

“Prepare my ship. Stay in orbit near its coordinates until I tell you otherwise.” 

“Yes Supreme Leader.” 

He shook himself and dressed quickly. With each layer he felt the comfort of purpose. He put his gloves on and stepped in to the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working on this fic through my vacation. I really would like to finish this story so I’m hoping I keep up my momentum in 2018.


	3. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's secrets can't stay secret for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all...the kudos, bookmarks and comments on this are so amazing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. 
> 
> I won't lie to you. It has been a long time since I let people read my writing. I have perpetual "I suck" complex. Nothing is good enough. So I'm sorry. I'm working through that for 2018. The Last Jedi helped me get some creativity back. I feel so guilty. I swear I'm writing guys. I actually have the next chapter in the works and starting writing ahead. Plus I have an outline for this. So you guys know I'm serious about this...
> 
> Shout out to my beta lalalane for reviewing this chapter and giving me good notes.

“Did you hear?” Rose ran up to Finn, Poe, and Rey as they sat breaking their fast. Rey observed that Rose had healed up well from her injuries, not an easy feat while being bounced from one corner of the galaxy to the other. She watched the compact girl give a long meaningful look to Finn, which he returned uncomfortably. Rey frowned, confused as to where Finn and Rose stood on the subject of Finn and Rose. She supposed they were also in the same predicament.

“Well, I just woke up…so no.” Poe said, affably in between bites of cooked greens and freshly baked bread. The inn food was a vast improvement over protein pack rations which had been a constant staple on the Falcon. Poe had wasted no time indulging himself.

Rey smiled at Poe with his cheeks full. His humor was a nice change of pace after everything…after secret moments filled with difficult questions and long intense stares, after weeks of pain filled nights and crying quietly to herself as she lay awake, thinking far too much. Poe was uncomplicated. Rey liked that.

Rose sat down, smiling widely. “Well as you guys know we’ve started to get transmissions from all over offering support to the Resistance. It looks like Leia’s message and Luke standing up to the First Order did what we hoped. It just took a little longer is all.”

“Yeah, I bet Kylo Pylo is none too happy with that.” Poe chuckled. The sound of his name, even in jest sent a jolt to Rey’s stomach. She put down her bread she was chewing on, queasy.

“Hey, what’s the matter, Rey? Not feeling well?” said Finn with concern in his voice. Once Finn knew Rose would be ok, he had begun to ply Rey with questions, none of which she knew how to answer without sounding crazy, disloyal, or both. He knew something was up but hadn’t been able to pull it from her, so he had been extra watchful. She picked up some fruit off the plate and pretended to chew with gusto.

“No of course not, just don’t want to get stuffed, I want to train this morning.” Rey gave a wide false smile.

Finn made a small noise in the back of his throat but focused back on Rose. Poe had watched their exchange, a curious look on his face. She avoided his gaze and turned back to Rose.

Rose’s smile had faltered a bit but she pressed on. “Well, one of Threepios spy droids also came in with Intel on the going on's of the First Order.” She whispered cautiously and looked around for eavesdroppers. The Bantum Inn clientele was sympathetic to the Resistance cause and they had been here enough weeks to see the same faces and trust they were safe, but they couldn’t be too careful. “Apparently there are rumblings of a divide in leadership. Maybe even full-on rebellion. No one has seen Kylo Ren in weeks, but the First Order is on the move. General Hux, he is going by Grand Marshal Hux now and he’s been determining all the First Order troop movements from what everyone can tell.”

Poe and Finn began talking simultaneously, responding to the news with enthusiasm. They finished each other’s sentences as they tried to prod Rose for even more news and leaned in, brushing each other’s shoulders slightly.

Rey felt her chest getting tighter, the food she had eaten sitting like a weight in her stomach. She gritted her teeth trying to will away the feelings, trying to push them down to a place she couldn’t hear them anymore. But it was futile. Not seen in weeks, were the only four words she kept repeating. Not seen in weeks…

If he had been killed, would she even know about it? Was that how this worked? Snoke had said he had made the bond. But then after everything she had seen him, looking at her as she boarded the Falcon, his expression making her pause (hesitate!). If she lied to herself she could say that’s when she knew the bond wasn’t severed, that it wasn’t Snoke. But truthfully, there was a part of her that always knew. He did too. She thought back to the forest, the stark white snow illuminating the night, their sabers sizzling as the delicate snowflakes fell upon them, the beams lighting their faces a brilliant wash of purple, red, and blue. She thought of the interrogation room, his warm breath on her neck as he stole into her mind like a thief, the way he had looked at her. Then his surprise and fear when she had reached back and found something too. That was the moment.

So no…maybe he wasn’t dead. She would have felt it…she couldn’t escape him yet…right? 

The air in the room made a sucking sound as silence surrounded her. Her heart lept in her throat. She turned her head.

He was sitting, wearing his signature black from head to toe but it looked rumpled and unkempt. His hair was even messier than she had last seen him and his 5 o’clock shadow had roughened to spiky stubble around his mouth and chin. He wasn’t looking at her, he was looking down at a datapad intensely, his face a deep scowl.

She tried to take a deep breath. She couldn’t say anything, still sitting in the busy dining hall surrounded by her friends. She felt the weight in her gut lift with the knowledge that he was alive. She thought to try to sever the connection but knew that it wouldn’t do any good. She had thought she had control over it, but now it really felt that the bond seemed to come at its own will and leave in the same fashion. The Jedi texts said nothing about it.

“I know you’re there.” He said, his voice a low harsh murmur. He looked up, and Rey stifled a gasp. His eyes were rimmed bloodshot red, his face gaunt making his large features even more pronounced. The arrogant striking man she had faced in the interrogation room was not there. In his place a cornered wild animal, even more manic and full of pain and rage than the last time she had seen him a few weeks prior.

She tried to keep his crimes in her mind, his violence and darkness, but it all faded, replaced by an overwhelming desire to run to him, to hold his hand, touch his face…his pain was suffocating her. She could feel it.

Tears spilled from her eyes. “Ben…” she whimpered. Regret at the way she had treated him the last time they spoke wound its way into the terrible sadness. ‘But no!’ she screamed inwardly, her thoughts warring with each other ‘He’s my enemy…he is the dark…I am the light…’

“Don’t call me that. Ben Solo is dead, remember.” He growled. He smiled an awful smile, bearing his teeth like an animal.

Rey shook her head her tears dripping down her chin. “Ben.” She whimpered again a more desperate tone to her voice. She forgot where she was and reached forward. He flinched away from her touch, his under eye twitching.

“Rey…Rey!” The sound of people eating and talking rushed back as he disappeared. Her breath hitched in her throat and she felt herself getting dizzy, her face flushed with heat. She turned to Finn, Poe, and Rose who were all giving her the same baffled expression.

Rey opened her mouth to speak and her stomach roiled. She clapped her hand over her mouth and ran to the refresher, heaving all the contents of her breakfast out, her hair matting in sweaty patches to her forehead.

Finn followed her in, skidding to a stop when he found her hunched over the toilet.

“Rey,” Finn said gently. Rey felt his cool hand on her back. “Rey you gotta tell me what’s going on.”

Rey sat up, leaning against the refresher wall. She hugged her knees to her chest and looked at Finn.

“I’m afraid,” she whispered, her voice rough from vomiting.

“Afraid of what? Is it something to do with the First Order? Kylo Ren? You said Ben…that was his name, Han called him that. Ben Sol-Kylo Ren…is that what this is about?”

More tears fell, her face crumpled. “I’m afraid if I tell you, you will hate me, Finn. I couldn’t bear it. Please don’t hate me.” She sobbed.

Finn brushed the hair back from her face and wiped her mouth with the back of his hand. He cupped her face between his palms leaning close to look her in the eyes.

“Rey…I could never hate you. I am your friend, always. You…you saved me. We saved each other. Please trust me.”

Rey searched his face and saw no fear. It warmed her to see the change in him when she had met him he had been so unsure, cowardly. So much had happened since then, Finn had truly come into his own.

She took a deep breath, then another when the first hitched on a sob. Once she took a steady breath she started.

“Kylo Ren and I…we’re connected…”

She told him everything. It poured out of her, like poison from a wound. She hadn’t been able to tell anyone the whole story. She had been afraid to tell Leia, to hurt her anymore.

She took a gulp of breath when she was done and looked down at her knees, scared to look at Finn’s expression. He was quiet. After a few seconds, she looked up at him. His brow was furrowed in thought but he didn’t look disgusted or betrayed.

“Do you have feelings for him, Rey? Kylo Ren?”

Her heart lurched. Having that question asked so plainly was somehow more terrifying that contemplating it alone in the dark. In the dark, she never had to answer herself, she just lay there with flashing images of memory playing on repeat.

“I…I don’t want to. But there is something between us Finn. Something powerful and raw and dangerous and…and nothing like I’ve ever known. My whole life I’ve been on my own. I was strong. I was hopeful. I kept my head down and took care of myself. But I was so alone. I never wanted to face how much. But on Ahch-To in that cave…it exposed to me just how isolated I felt. And he…he told me I wasn’t alone. And for the first time in my life…I believed it. Right there. With him.”

“Rey…he’s the Supreme Leader of the First Order,” Finn said patiently.

“I know.”

“He kidnapped you. Hurt you.”

“I know.”

“He’s a murderer!” Finn snapped.

“I know! I know,” she cried. “I know that everything that happened was probably him manipulating me. Making me think he could be better. And I fell for it like the stupid girl that I am.” she spat.

“Is that what it all felt like…a lie?” he asked.

“…No.” she whispered. “It felt so real.” She looked at Finn, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “That’s so stupid isn’t it?”

“No Rey. I know I don’t know a lot about the Force, but now that I’ve seen what you can do and what you’ve told me, it seems to have a mind of its own. Maybe Snoke was the one to bridge the connection between you two, but it seems the Force wants you to stay connected. There must be a reason.”

“I can’t keep going like this! He’s only getting worse since Crait. Now I’m starting to feel what he’s feeling and it’s suffocating me. I can’t do anything, I can’t see his surroundings I can only see him. I’m useless!”

“No, you aren’t. You just need guidance.”

“Where will I get that? Luke is gone, there are no more Jedi left, the only person alive I know with Force powers is actively being the worst right now so what do I do?” She said exasperatedly.

“You need to talk to General Organa.” He said simply.

Rey shook her head. “I don’t want to do that to her. There’s been too much going on, for her to hear all this…I don’t think I want so many people knowing about this. It feels like my terrible secret. I feel guilty for having even told you.”

Finn got quiet. He shifted so he was cross-legged next to Rey. He passed her a cloth to wipe her mouth and forehead.

“I have feelings for Poe.” Finn blurted out after a long silence.

Rey looked up her eyes wide. “But…Rose? On the Falcon, you two seemed…what?”

“Rose is-Rose is wonderful. She’s brave and real and kind. She saved me on Crait, she kissed me…”

Rey gasped a little and burst into a wide grin. Finn raised a hand and shook his head a little.

“When she kissed me she caught me totally off guard. And when I thought about it later…I didn’t understand why all I could think about was Poe.”

Rey touched Finn’s hand. “Poe is a good person. Rose would understand. You deserve to be happy Finn.”

Finn smiled at Rey and leaned his head against the wall. “Yeah well, that’s my terrible secret. So don’t feel guilty. And what is going on with you doesn’t seem like it’s going away. You zoned out back there, more people are going to start asking questions if you keep randomly bursting into tears and vomiting…”

“Your secret isn’t terrible. It’s wonderful. And it shouldn’t be a secret.” Rey said.

“I’ll tell you if you tell,” Finn said smirking. Rey opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, pouting. He had here there.

Someone pounded on the refresher door.

“Finn? Rey?” It was Poe. Finn and Rey shot up, Rey checking herself in the mirror to make sure she looked presentable.

Finn opened the door quickly, almost running into Poe and Rose.

“Is Rey ok?” Poe asked looking at Finn. Rey watched Finn and Poe’s expressions as they talked to each other. Seeing them together now with context, she stifled a smirk.

“I’m ok Poe. I’m sorry about before.” Rey said.

“Uh..it’s ok. But what happened?”

“Who’s Ben?” Rose asked.

Rey flushed a deep scarlet. She looked at Finn who raised an eyebrow at her and tilted his head in an ‘I told you so’ gesture.

‘Breathe,’ she thought to herself.

“Sorry, but I have to speak with General Organa,” Rey said, pushing past them.

Poe and Rose looked at Finn with mutual confused and now annoyed expressions. Finn shook his head unable to come up with a decent story. He nudged Rose and Poe back to the breakfast table. Chewie sat at the table now, his little pog perched on his shoulder begging for scraps. They finished breakfast in relative silence.

**  
Kylo Ren sat in almost total darkness. He nudged his smashed data pad his boot, sending pieces skittering on the reflective black floor.

‘Damn her,’ he thought. He could still see her face, the tears she shed for him, the pity on her face. The stab of feeling had made him slam his datapad with such force that it had shattered. Good thing he had spares…

“Supreme Leader.” The hologram swirled to life and he saw the pointed and pale face of Hux waiting for him to reply.

“Grand Marshal Hux,” he growled.

Hux looked at him, a snide pompous expression on his face. The barely constrained disrespect evident in every look.

“When I promoted you, Grand Marshal, it was with the idea that we had come to an understanding and that you would do as I bid.”

“Everything I have done has been in service to you Supreme Leader, and the First Order,” Hux said, the latter part stated with more conviction than the former.

“Then tell me why you are moving more troops from the Unknown Regions to Core and Mid Rim planets without my approval?” Kylo said in a condescending tone.

“My apologies Supreme Leader, but it was necessary to replenish troop numbers and obtain new supply lines. An army marches on its stomach as it were.”

“We cannot afford to become complacent Hux. The Resistance is weak but they are not gone and they carry with them the potential for a new Jedi Order. This cannot be allowed. Must I return to the command ships to clean up after you again Grand Marshal?”

“Please Supreme Leader, there is no need for you to stop your er- meditation,” Hux said, smirking.

Kylo knew he shouldn’t take the bait, but he couldn’t help himself. Everything had been a raw wound after Crait, and Hux knew exactly how to rub salt in it.

“You know very well I’m not meditating, Hux. I am gathering strength for the coming fight. The Resistance has a powerful Jedi on their side. For all your First Order powers and military training, you do not stand a chance against one who is strong in the light.”

“Of course Supreme Leader. I apologize for ever doubting any of your intentions. Rest assured we are diverting our full attention to locating the last of the Resistance who evaded us.” Hux said this with as much reverence as he could muster, but Kylo just heard mockery.

“Very well Hux.” He cut the communications off. In the returned silence he could hear the roar of molten rock as it flowed and bubbled across the planet’s surface.

Hux was a problem. This is he knew. But one he hadn’t quite figured out how to solve. The military and command were loyal to Hux. Kylo knew they feared him and his Force abilities they viewed with a suspicious and secular eye, but fear was fleeting. He didn’t like to admit this, but he needed Hux and his army. He needed them to find her and his mother and the rest of them so he could end this. This had to end. As for the rest of it, ruling the galaxy…bringing a new order…these ideas seemed ephemeral to him.

That night, like so many other nights, he paced instead of slept. He trained instead of ate. The slash of his saber cut through the air as he attacked shadows like they were memories. He repeated the motion again and again, until he fell down exhausted, panting and sweating. The memories still lingered, deep hazel eyes boring into his, strong tan arms grabbing his thigh, pink lips crushed against his, the sneak of a tongue tasting his inner lip, the same hazel eyes glaring down at him, disappointed and angry.

He stood up on shaky legs, and once again began to attack the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know in many headcanons Finn would be double pissed about Rey and Kylo, but I think him having his own secret in my story makes him a bit more understanding. 
> 
> Feedback gives me life!


End file.
